Let me begin with my tale of which stars a humble hard working 16 year old and a failing, unlawful and sheer immoral company. That company of course being you: First Crapital Connect.

However, the primary reason for me entering that particular carriage was that there was no indication outside the coach that this said coach was first class. No signage, change in colour scheme or even a butler manning the door with a .22 revolver in order to shoot off the hordes of lower classes whom wish to spread their disease of poverty amongst the elite that linger in first class.

Anyway, I'm going off on another track; if you'd pardon the pun. So there I was. With my bag and paper placed on the floor I stood like everyone else around me lucky to even have entered the train.

However, after a few stops people started to leave and as a tired human being, I sat down. And there I was. sitting. Sitting in what I believed was just a normal train coach.Enter the ticket inspector. I give him my ticket but then to my amazement the ticket inspector declared "This is a standard ticket mate"

Of course after stating that I was not his "mate" I said "Yes, I know. And this is a standard coach" But of course I was wrong. In actual fact the coach I was in was not just an ordinary train coach it was in fact a First Class Capital Cunt-ect coach, coated with luxurious furnishings which M&S would even be jealous of. Oh wait. It wasn't.

I said to the inspector "What are the signs indicating that this is a first class carriage?" He pointed to the table I had my bag upon and my headrest. I looked amused, firstly turning my head to read the small embroidered letters that read "First class" on my head rest.

I turned to him with my usual satirical grin and proclaimed "How would I be able to see the only signage in the carriage indicating that this is first class if mine, and everyone else's, head is covering said signage?" and as expected, the uneducated ticket inspector just replied with the infamous Nazi-SS phrase of "I'm just doing my job Sir"

So then I enquired about the second object that apparently advocated the prestige of this cabin; the table. I looked down at the small battered and graffitied table and shrugged. The inspector shrugged back. I then claimed that It was only 3 days ago I was on an East Midlands train in standard class that had a table at every seat and furthermore that these tables had built in cup holders. But of course, he shrugged and said some irreverent comment about how it's obvious that this was first class purely because no where else in the train were there tables. I looked at him again with dissatisfaction in humanity altogether and replied "Well how would I know that as this is the only cabin I know of since my journey has begun, you stupid uneducated blockhead" He then told me something along the lines of calm down Sir but like his horrible uniform that contrasted horribly in 3 separate places, I let that pass without further commentary.

So there we were. Both in metaphysical agreement that both your first class cabins contain no where near the adequate amount of signage and features to be deemed as 'first class' and furthermore that I had no guilty mind or intention of breaking the law what so ever.

Although I didn't need his confirmation of opinion, we both knew I didn't have the guilty mind. There I was. A humble 16 year old commuter on a rush hour train that was about to leave and packed with passengers. But the causation went further. Your failure as a company. And that failure being to make 'first class' look first class.

Now I've walked accidental into first class before, and then I leave. The reason for doing so is because I go "Oh, shit, this looks posh. Better leave. Don't want to be around these greedy capitalist scum-bags" and off I go But you see I didn't do that when I was sitting in coach N seat 3. I wonder why.

You see the whole concept of first class is that you know you're there: you can see the difference. But I couldn't in yours. And the key reason for this being that your first class cabins resembled that of the cattle trains that shipped inmates to the Nazi Concentration camps. 

So to conclude First Capital Dis-connect, you've failed. You're playing a game that is in fact illegal. You show no obvious difference between standard and your so called first class coaches in order to trap innocent and tired commuters in your net of fines. Listen Fail Capital Connect, If you honestly believe a table makes a coach first class then by that logic Guantanamo Bay is first class as each of the prison cells there also contain a said table. Furthermore, your failing of a barrier, door or even perspex panel with first class written upon it makes your case even less convincing. It's funny really, for a company with 'First' in their name, you sure do a most repellent job at providing 'Fisrt class' accommodation. So to you and your £20 fine I send you a virtual middle finger. I hope the recession engulfs your shit-heap of an organisation and your entire fleet of trains spontaneously combust this coming Monday.